I caught God
by ServusSmith
Summary: I think being able to catch Arceus is bullshit. If you were to really catch the 'god' of a universe, this is kinda what might actually happen.
1. Chapter 1

I lean back against the head board of my bed. I flip open my Nintendo DS and turn it on. It's Halloween night, and everybody is out trick or treating or doing fun crap. Except my family doesn't do Halloween. It is a heathen pagan thing that we are not to associate ourselves with.

So, as a result, I am at home listening to people having fun next door at our neighbors' rowdy Halloween party, getting ready for a marathon session of Pokémon Diamond. "Woohoo let the fun times roll." I mutter as I reach the title screen.

Several hours later, the party next door is still going strong. In my room however, it's a bit more serious. I am try to catch Arceus, you know, the god pokémon? But the bastard is tough. And I already wasted my masterball on some other legendary, I forget which one, but I already realize that it was a mistake. I have been trying to get Arceus low enough in health to capture him in a pokéball of any kind, but he either wipes out my entire team, or I knock him out. I'm on attempt number eleventy billion and I am about ready to chuck my DS through the window, hopefully hard enough to hit whoever is drunkenly singing karaoke next door. I think it might be some Beatles song that they are butchering.

I'm down to my last pokémon now, and he's hanging on by a thread, but so is Arceus. I chuck an ultra ball at the big white bastard, "Come on damn you! Stay in the ball." It wiggles on screen, "Come on… come on…" ding! "YES!"

I throw my arms up in the air with a jubilant cry, "I caught you, you motherfucker!" I make a face at my DS, "HAHAHA! I CAUGHT GOD!"

I pick up the DS and the screen changes suddenly. I frown, as the image suddenly turns into something like a first person view looking at the pokéball holding Arceus. There is a loud noise and the view swings wildly to look up at a snarling Palkia. Another roar and the screen swings again to show Dialga looking down at me through the screen. "What the fuck?" A ghostly wail sends the view whirling again to see Giratina.

I have captured Arceus before, in my Pearl version, and I know for a fact that this did not happen that time!

I lift the DS as Giratina approaches. Suddenly the screen turns a ghostly blue and the entire DS begins to shake. I let go of the game system but my hands are stuck to it as if someone had poured super glue! I don't know what is happening, but whatever it is, I don't want to be a part of it.

I roll over onto my back and position my foot over the screen and kick. Instead of tearing the handheld from my grip, my foot sinks into the game and disappears. Most of my right leg quickly follows the foot into the DS. I desperately try to yank my leg back out but it refuses to budge and my leg only sinks further into the glowing mass that the entire DS is gradually turning into.

I feel something wrap around my leg on the other side of whatever I am stuck too. "Fuck."

Long black tendrils of something fly out of the light blue light and wrap around me. They tighten forcibly, violently jerking me into the light blue light which turns to long, blood red tunnel as my face passes through it.

The black tendrils pull me through the tunnel at a terrifying rate. Up ahead I see a blazing green disc where the tentacles are coming from, and rapidly returning to. I shut my eyes just before I hit the disc. The fire passes over me, and the sensation is near indescribable.

It feels as though every fiber in my being is being pressed against red hot steel and simultaneously pulled apart then put back together over and over again.

I collapse on the ground, moaning, "Owwww."

I roll over and open my eyes. Teeth, all I see is teeth. Huge, razor sharp teeth. The blood rushes from my face and warmth floods my pants. I hear guttural laughter and the teeth move away from my face and I and see the rest of face. It's Dialga. He is an ugly son of a bitch. Those pixel sprites don't do the guy justice. The leathery blue skin split by steel puckering the flesh around it like it is bursting up from beneath the tissue.

"It seems the human has soiled itself." A hissing voice chuckles. I turn my head and see Giratina floating nearby, also ugly. I turn my head and see Palkia on my right. Not nearly as ugly as the other two. Instead of leathery flesh like Dialga, Palkia has glistening mother of pearl scales and has iridescent shells. If it weren't for the menacing look it is giving me, it would be beautiful.

"What should we do to him?" Palkia asks, in a surprisingly feminine voice. "He needs to be punished for trying to imprison Father."

I look in the last direction left to look, 'above' me, and I see Arceus himself. He is surprisingly smaller than I would have expected. He is also beat up as all get out. My pokémon really did a number on this guy. I look around, if these guys are suddenly real, shouldn't my pokémon be real as well?

I start to look around but then Dialga answers Palkia's question, "Make him a pokémon." What? Can they even do that? I tilt my head to the side, would that really be so bad? A lot of pokémon are really powerful. "Maybe a bidoof."

I bite back a couple expletives. I'd rather be torn apart in a gruesome manner than to have to live as a goddamn bidoof! It's a fucking retarded beaver!

"No," Giratina hisses, "Make him something rare."

"Why should I bless this impertinent mortal with the power and esteem that would come with being a pokémon of note?" A new voice asks. It is a calm, wizened voice. I glance upward, it is Arceus speaking.

Giratina chuckles in a low rasping voice, "He came here to try and capture you, Father, because you are rare and very powerful. Make him rare and he will be pursued relentlessly. He will have to fight to retain his freedom, always on the run. And if he fails to remain free, then he will be a slave just as he intended to make you."

I stare at the ghostly dragon, he has a point. A damn good one. Suddenly being a bidoof doesn't seem all that bad. Palkia and Dialga are both grinning at this concept. "May we do that Father?" Palkia asks eagerly, "I've never gotten to actually manipulate a living thing's physical state to make it something new before."

Arceus nods, "Just let your brother's help you maintain the connection between his soul and his body, you don't want to kill him or let him miss even a bit of the pain."

The three dragons move in closer around me, Palkia actually picks me up off the ground and holds me off the ground. I don't think I have ever seen a more terrifying expression than the smile Palkia has right now. I am in for some serious pain.

Those orbs on Palkia's shoulders glow and the space around them distorts visibly. The distortion moves quickly to envelope me and the moment it touches my flesh I can see it begin to tear me apart.

I shriek and writhe in Palkia's grasp as my body is torn apart at the molecular level. The pain is horrible, but mercifully swift as the nerve endings that send the pain messages to my brain are quickly erased along with the rest of the my body. My vision goes as my eyes are destroyed.

There is a blessed moment of absolute peace. I think therefore I am and all that bullshit, nirvana. It would be really boring if it lasted for very long. Then the pain returns as my body is reformed in its new form, whatever that form is. Again the pain is intense, but this time it doesn't go away, even after Palkia drops me back to the ground.

Everything hurts, including my new tail. I open my eyes, and I can't immediately tell what pokémon I am, but I can see that I have a white muzzle of some kind, and that there is a red stripe over the top of it. Off the top of my head I cannot think of any pokémon with that sort of head type and furpattern.

"Sister, that is not the right color set." Dialga says, then chuckles, "You should start over and do it right."

Palkia giggles, "I know! He is a rare pokémon, _and_ in possession of a one of a kind fur pattern! He'll be irresistible to collectors."

"I approve of this." Arceus says approvingly, "Send him somewhere where his kind is not found."

Palkia yanks me back up off the ground and whirls me around so that everything is just a blue blur. Suddenly I am rocketing through the air.

! I curl up and consider praying that I land somewhere soft. Then I remember, oh yeah, just pissed off the gods of this world. It's going to hurt. Hopefully I'll die instantly, but considering my luck thus far tonight I'll be lucky if I pass out.

I press my ears down against my skull with my paws and wait.

The impact is sudden and I black out.


	2. InWhich Mew Sounds Like James Earl Jones

"Rise and shine pup!" a deep voice says with a chuckle, "You don't want to be caught napping by the trainer man!"

I groan, that voice sounds really damn familiar. "We don't have all day kid." The voice says again. Seriously, I know this voice.

I groan and sit up as I open my eyes, "Mufasa?"

"Eh, not quite, but you're not too far off." the floating pink feline says with a laugh, "Most people call me 'Mew', but I'm 'Big M' to my friends."

My jaw drops. Mew is a guy AND he sounds just like Mufasa? What the fuck man? And on top of that mindfuck is the fact that EVERYTHING hurts. Even my fur hurts. Fur? I have fur!

"Yah, Palkia and them dragons on Mt. Coronet really did a number on you." Mew says nodding, "And before you ask, I only found you because when Palkia tossed you out of the Hall of Origin you nearly took me out. I was on my way back from visiting my girl on New Moon Island."

I frown, "Who the hell would you be visiting on New… No way… you mean…"

Mew raises a brow and slowly rotates until he is looking at me while hanging upside down in the air in front of me. "Yeah, Darkrai is a girl. How hard did you hit your head? Everybody, even you humans, know she is a woman. They call her the Queen of Shadows for Palkia's sake. She is a queen, for sure, but everything else they say about her is wrong."

I scratch my head, "But isn't she… you know… a lot bigger than you?"

"What's wrong with liking a girl that's bigger than you are?" Mew chuckles, then pats his crotch and adds, "Besides, I'm plenty big enough for her where it counts. Why do you think they call me Big M?"

I take a moment to process that statementGAH! Can't unsee! I shudder and shake my head as hard as I can from side to side as if by creating enough centrifugal force I can make the mental images fly out my ears or something. Unfortunately, this just causes a pair of dangling things on the sides of my head to beat my muzzle. I stop shaking my head just in time for Mew's tail to knock me upside the head.

"Chill out pup. It's just sex." He laughs and throws me a berry. I try to catch it with one hand, er, paw, and it bounces off my red paw pads. It looks like I'm going to have to relearn how to hold things all over again. I pick the berry up with both paws and look at it carefully. I'm not sure what kind off the top of my head, but I think it is one of the healing ones. "Go ahead and eat that. It should make you feel a lot better."

I quickly gobble down the berry and my face puckers so hard at the intense sourness of the fruit that I feel like my head is going to turn inside out as tears leak from the corners of my eyes. I do feel a lot better though. Mew laughs, "Not a fan of sour are you?" I shake my head and wipe my eyes with the back of my paws. He shrugs, "Well, good luck finding anything to eat in the future. Berries don't grow around here, so you'll have to find other means of filling your belly. Later, pup."

Mew takes off straight up into the air, does a couple loops and spins then makes a beeline for god only knows where. I sigh and begin to look myself over. May as well figure out just how rare I am. Just to give me a decent idea of how hard people are going to try and catch me.

Well, I have red fur on my legs from the knees down and the same color of fur covers my chest from my shoulders to my waist. There is also red fur on the top of my muzzle. This tells me next to nothing about what I am though, Palkia even said that she made me colors out of the ordinary for a pokémon, beyond that of even your 'average' shiny. However one look at my arms and I know what I am. There is only one pokémon with those patches of exposed steel growing out of its forearms. I'm a riolu.

With a groan I climb to my feet and look around. It feels weird standing on my toes like this, but as I look around I realize something even more important than my own awkwardness. I have no fucking clue where I am. As best I can figure, I'm in a forest, but considering the fact that there are forests in just about every single pokémon region that tells me nothing. I sigh and start walking through the forest, trying to decide whether I should go in the tall grass and risk running into less than friendly pokémon, or stay on the path and risk running into trainers. I smile, waling on my toes already feels natural to me.

"Oh wow! What is that?" a young boy's voice exclaims behind me. I turn to see some ten year old kid staring at me with wide eyes. He whips out a small red item and flicks it open. It's a pokedex. It beeps loudly before a tinny voice says, "Pokémon unknown. Power approximated to level ten."

I chuckle, apparently it isn't updated for all regions. Then the boy grins, "An unknown pokémon! I bet there are people who would pay a lot of money for a chance to study it." he unclips a pokéball from his belt, "Take him down Ratticate!"

There is the characteristic red flash as the pokéball opens and a ratticate is suddenly in front of me hissing. Shit man, this thing is as big as I am! "Ratticate! Use Hyperfang!" the boy shouts.

The giant hamster from hell rushes me with its wicked teeth glowing bright white. I instinctively spin, backhanding the ratticate in the top of the head, and then using my momentum to drive my other fist down on its neck. The ratticate does a nosedive into the hard packed dirt and I roll across its back to land on all fours behind it. I pop back to my feet and hop back from the pokémon as it shakily climbs to its feet, blood trickling from its nose to mix with the dirt now smeared across its face. I smile, it looks like all those Friday nights scrapping with my buddies in our little fight club are finally paying off.

The ratticate turns to me and snarls, "Just who the hell do you think you are?"

I frown, "Uh, not following."

"Ratticate! Use quick attack!"

The ratticate blurs as it lunges forward. I hesitate for just a fraction of a second and the pokémon bowls me over. It doesn't hurt very much, but being knocked around like a bowling pin is a bit disorientating. I pop up to my feet again as quickly as I can, but quickly realize I'm facing the wrong dirction. "Again!" the boy shouts and I whirl around throwing a wild punch. The punch connects with a jarring thwack, but doesn't stop the rapidly moving ratticate.

I tumble over the ground again, my limbs entangled with the ratticate's. As soon as we stop rolling I scramble away from the fuzzy bastard. I watch the ratticate closely, but it doesn't get up even after several seconds. Hell, I'm not even sure it is breathing. I roll my shoulders with a sigh. Not bad for a first fight.

The boy silently recalls the ratticate to its pokéball. Then unclips a second pokéball and sends out the pokémon within, "Kick his ass. Flame wheel."

I find myself facing down what would normally be a cute red furred puppy, except right now it is as tall as I am and covered in fire about to run me down. I tense up and brace for pain. I am not disappointed. The flaming puppy slams into me and the flames flash out to engulf me. I yelp and let myself be thrown to the ground and immediately roll across the ground to extinguish any burning fur. I have been engulfed in flames before, thanks to a dumb bet between friends involving a campfire and a couple cans of hairspray and Axe, and it did not hurt nearly this bad.

The growlithe chuckles, "You don't seem so tough."

I glance back at the growlithe, "I don't have to be tough, not if I'm smart."

The growlithe frowns, "What's that supposed to mean?"

My reply is the sight of my ass disappearing into the tall grass as I hightail it into the wilds of the forest beyond. "Get back here!" the boy shouts after me and I have to bite my tongue to keep from shouting back 'Fuck you!'. I'm going to need all the breath I can for running. I don't intend to stop until I am hopelessly lost and way the hell away from that growlithe. Catch me if you can bitches, but I'd rather you didn't.


	3. In Which I am Tripping Balls

I know what the pokedex says about riolu. It says several things about aura, yes, but it also says that they can run all through the night. I can attest to the fact that that is complete and total horseshit. It's only been a few hours and I'm already fall on my face tired.

I glance back over my shoulder at the forest behind me. To get to where I am now, I have used every trick I ever heard of for throwing a tracker off. Running through rivers and streams, doubling back to create false trails, hell, I even crawled through a rotting log and I don't think that was in the book of things to do. I let myself fall forward onto my belly. If that damn growlithe can follow me he can eat me for all I care at this point.

Eat. Damnit. My stomach growls loudly, reminding me that I haven't eaten anything but a single berry since dinner yesterday, and it is well past lunch time. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the sky. What the fuck am I supposed to eat? Mew already pointed out quite plainly that berries don't grow here.

On a side note, now that I think about it, that means I am in Kanto. So, if I ever evolve then I'll a wonderful type advantage over most of the pokémon around here. That fact however is meaningless to my stomach which is currently trying to eat itself.

I sigh and sit up. May as well take a look around, any sort of plant matter that looks half edible will do. I allow myself a wry grin, because with my luck, the only decent vegetable matter I find will be attached to a very irritable pokémon.

I glance around, and well goddamn, maybe my luck doesn't suck so bad after all! There, growing up the side of a decent sized pine tree, is a yellowish vine holding a ton of small reddish orange seeds. Seeds are edible right? Like sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds? Not very filling I don't think but there are a ton of seeds things hanging of the vines

I make my way over to the vine and pluck one of the seeds off the vine and examine it closely. It is a couple inches long, I think. It is hard to estimate distances when you have become about a third or so of your original height. Anyway, the seed as I already mentioned, is a nice reddish orange color and is shaped like a cluster of Vienna sausages. I give it a quick sniff, not sure what smell I am looking for since I have no idea what a poisonous smell would be. Regardless, it doesn't smell very strongly, just a faint spicy smell.

I place the seed on my tongue and let it sit there for a moment, and when nothing happens I start to chew. My entire mouth is splashed with a thick, spicy sap.

Now I don't mean a simple south-of-the-border spicy either. This stuff is five-alarm-is-this-stuff-even-legal spicy! So naturally I start spitting.

To my abject horror, bright red flames fly out of my mouth! MY FUCKING MOUTH IS ON **FIRE**! I shriek as I keep spitting, but the thick napalm like sap is in no hurry to leave my mouth. As I continue to spew globs of flaming spit onto the ground I start beating at my mouth with my paws. The flames are sticking to my paws now too, but at least the fire in my mouth is starting to go out. The moment my mouth is no longer on fire I grind my paws into the dirt to extinguish the flames still burning there.

I take a deep breath and it hurts like hell. I will probably not be able to eat anything solid for weeks, and I doubt I will ever taste anything again. I glance up at the flaming pile of bloody spit and sap at the base of the pine tree and it suddenly occurs to me that spitting fire at the base of a _pine_ tree that has vines laden with napalm seeds growing on it is not high on the list of 'good things to do' if I want to live.

I can only watch in horror as flames race up the vines like thunderbolts. The fire hits the first cluster of seeds and I throw my arms in front of my face as a rapid chain of explosions send me tumbling backwards through the dirt.

I sit up with the world spinning around me. I can't hear a damn thing except for a high pitched ringing. I grasp my head between my paws and shut my eyes tightly for a moment. When I open them again the world has stopped spinning, but the big ole pine tree has not.

I try to fling myself out of the way of the falling tree and only partially succeed. A feral scream of pain tears at my throat as the pine tree crashes down on my legs and I am thrashed by the limbs.

I groan and struggle to pull myself free, but give up after a brief struggle. It is pointless to get out anyway. I'm pretty damn sure I have broken multiple bones in my legs and feet, and my forepaws have blistering burns along with the severe burns in my mouth and throat. Even if I could get out from under this tree, I wouldn't be able to walk or hardly even crawl to find food. Food that I wouldn't be able to eat because the flesh of my mouth is all cracked, crispy, and bloody.

Goddamn, I suck at being a pokémon.

I relax and shut my eyes as frustrated tears start to form. Why couldn't I just have gone trick or treating?

I'm not sure how much time has passed since the tree first fell on me, but I do know that the sun is beginning to go down. Suddenly my ears perk up as I hear footsteps. My ears immediately droop. It's probably a trainer and I'm gonna be caught. At least I'll get medical treatment then. That thought almost gets me to smile, but the movement tears at the scabbing flesh and hurts so I abort that movement.

The footsteps stop right in front of me and I strain to make out just who it is through the thick branches covering me. Then the branches are all cut away by long sharp claws and I find myself staring up at a frowning zangoose with a pair of yellow sunglasses.

There is no trainer. Oh shit, I'm gonna get eaten. Wait a sec, what the fuck is a zangoose doing in Kanto? Who cares? He's probably gonna eat me!

"Damn man. No wonder you're putting off all sorts of bad vibes." He slowly shakes his head as he starts digging in a hefty looking satchel hanging from his shoulder. He glances at me again, "Dude, you are a mess. But I got something that will fix you right up, little man." He does a quick double take and slaps his forehead, "Right right. Gotta get you out from under this tree first."

The zangoose makes a fist and punches the tree trunk pinning my legs with a loud cry. The wood splinters and my legs are free. The zangoose bends over and drags me away from the tree. He then flips me over on my back and pulls a largish, spiky looking seed. "Wha you ooing wih ah?" I ask aloud.

The zangoose crushes the seed in between his claws then shoves the pieces into my mouth. I gag at first, then swallow the crushed seed. The zangoose smiles as he wipes his claws off on his chest fur. "Dude, ya just got fixed. Be right back."

The zangoose walks off humming some tune I don't recognize. I watch him go in confusion. What does he mean by fixed? There is no way that what he just shoved down my throat is going to fix me! I'm a… what the hell?

I stare at my forepaws as I get a pins and needles feeling all over my body. The blistered flesh sloughs off to reveal fresh uninjured skin beneath and fur quickly grows back in the places where it should be. I squirm as the pins and needles sensation intensifies and I can hear several loud pops as bones reform in my legs. Then almost as soon as it began it is over. I sit up and look at myself, I'm completely healed! What the hell did he just shove down my throat?

I climb to my feet and glance off in the direction the zangoose walked off in, trying to decide whether I should run or stay. So far, I've only met one decent pokémon. And from what I know of zangoose (plural?) they are not friendly. They are feuding sonsofbitches. Also, what the fuck would a wild zangoose be doing in Kanto? I don't think I want to know the answer.

"So, how'd you end up such a mess?" I yelp as I whirl around to look up at the zangoose who somehow came around behind me. He looks down at me and scratches his head, "Dude you are really on edge. You need to chill out and stop putting off all them bad vibrations. They're really messing with my karma."

I tilt my head to the side, "What?"

"Just what I said man, you need to relax and stop with the aura siren thingy you got going on." The zangoose says gesturing around me with a claw, and that's when it clicks. I'm a riolu, the pokedex says that riolu will give off strong auras when they are in distress to let others know something is wrong. I'm gonna have to get a handle on that or else finding me will be way too easy.

I nod and take a deep breathe, "Right, right. Sorry. Thanks for whatever that thing you gave me was."

"No problem, it was just an extra reviver seed that I wasn't able to trade off back in Sinnoh." The zangoose says waving s claw dismissively, "I'm gonna have a whole bunch more of those before too long anyway. But what in the hell beat you up like that anyway?"

I groan, "Well, it started when I got turned into a pokémon by the dragon trio in the Hall of Origin. Palkia flung me way the hell over here to Kanto and that hurt. Then Mew came along and gave me this godawful tasting berry that made me feel a whole lot better, and found out way more than I ever wanted to know about what sort of heat the little guy is packing. Before I could really get over my mental trauma I got a attacked by a trainer and his giant hamster from hell, and then torched by his growlithe. After that I ran like hell and got away. But I was hungry so I started looking for food. What I found were some red seeds that looked like Vienna sausage and smelled kinda like Tabasco sauce. I tried to eat one and my entire mouth got caught on fire! So I spat all that out, and then the tree and the vine with all the other flaming seeds caught on fire, so the seeds all went BA-BOOM right in front of me! Everything was spinning and ringing and then the whole damn tree fell on me." Throughout my story I had gotten more and more animated until I was pacing and wildly gesturing with my arms. I whirl around and jab a paw at the zangoose, "But then YOU come along! You shouldn't even be in Kanto! But here you are saving my life by shoving a reviver seed down my throat for no reason like a lame deus ex machine plot device!"

The zangoose stares at me for a long moment as I stand in front of him, paw out stretcher accusingly. Finally he takes a deep breath, "Dude, you need to quit smoking that human junk, because you are just losing it. I've met clefairy less trippy than you are being right now."

I'm about to protest but freeze, "Clefairy are high?"

"As a kite, man." The zangoose says with a slow nod, "They grow some of the most potent allure seeds in the world in some hidden garden on Mt Moon."

I tilt my head to the side, "How do you know this?"

The zangoose grins, "Because I'm Zero, the best damn interregional seed and berry smuggler." He pauses. "Or so I've been told."

I scratch my head, "So you're like an international drug dealer?"

The zangoose frowns, "Uh, no. I don't deal in that human stuff, and you shouldn't either. They deal some wicked dangerous stuff as I'm sure you know now."

"I'm not on drugs!" I exclaim, "I really am a human! Look at me! Do I look like a normal riolu to you?"

"Yeah." The zangoose nods, and I slap a paw against my forehead. This guy is just… ugh.

"Take off your damn glasses!" I shout angrily, "I'm not normal!"

"Dude, I got just the thing to help you chill out." he says starting to rummage in his bag. After a moment he pulls out a small bundle of leaves wrapped around a small dried chunk of something red. She shoves this at me with a smile. I take the little bundle hesitantly and give it an exploratory sniff. Whatever the hell it is, it smells minty but also spicy too. That last bit, considering recent events, I'm not too keen on.

"What am I supposed to do with this? Smoke it? Chew it? Swallow it?" I shake my head, "Never mind what I do with it, what is it?"

"I call it a 'happy bundle'. You eat it." Zero says with a wide grin, "It's real good."

I sigh, why the hell not? I shove the bundle into my mouth and start chewing. Almost immediately my mouth is assaulted by a strong mint flavor, contrasted by a very spicy taste that makes my entire body heat up. My teeth crunch down on something and a thick wintergreen flavored slime spreads over my tongue. I swallow the mass of vegetable matter and grin. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but I just feel really good. Not as good as waking up to find this is all just a horrible nightmare brought on by a bad batch of candy corn, but still pretty damn good.

No wonder he calls it a happy bundle.

I look up at Zero, "Wow that is good. But where did you get that ridiculous cowboy hat?"

Zero raises a brow, "Dude, I don't have a hat."

I frown, that can't be right. I know a cowboy hat when I see one, and that hat on Zero's head is definitely a cowboy hat. A pink My Little Pony cowboy hat, but it is a cowboy hat. "Yes you do. And it looks ridiculous. Take it off."

Zero's eyes widen slightly and he starts rummaging in his bag again. However, when he bent over, the hat stayed where it was hanging in the air like some sort of pink phantom. Then it disappears. I chuckle, I don't know why, but I do. Zero straightens back up suddenly with another 'happy bundle' and sniffs it before shoving it in my face. "Smell this! Does this smell like what I just gave you?"

I take a deep breath, this bundle smells minty with a hint of… citrus I think. "Nope." I say with a giggle, "Why?"

"Cause I think you just swallowed an entire Clefairy Special."

"And this is bad because…"

"Um, dude, you may want to sit down." Zero says reaching out to grab my shoulder.

I shake my head and dance back out of reach. "Nuh-uh. I don't wanna sit down." I grin, "I wanna spin." And so I do. I spin around and around until not only can't I see straight, but I can't even smell straight!

I laugh as I trip over something and tumble into the pine branches. It stings a little, but who cares? I feel great! I look up to see Zero coming towards me. I hop up and immediately flop forward onto my face. I roll over onto my back and look up. Dude, I can see Santa Claus from here… except he has an ultralight and no reindeer. Maybe he's on vacation in Kanto? I scramble to my feet as I hear Zero coming towards me. He wants to make me sit still and ruin the fun. I can't let him do that. I gotta get away from him!

I sprint off through the woods, dodging tree limbs and the occasional squid. I slow to a stop as something catches my ears. It sounds like moaning. Not the kind I was doing earlier, no. The _other_ kind of moaning. I creep carefully along through the bushes as quietly as I can towards the sound until I am very close. I can hear other sounds now too. Sounds that I will not go into detail about.

I stick my head out of the bush I am in and I can feel my eyes trying to pop out of my head. It's Palkia! And she's got BOOBS! BEWBLIES! BIG WHITE SCALY TITTIES!

I stare slack-jawed in a mix of surprise, disgust, and arousal. I like pokémon, I like boobs, but I don't like pokémon with boobs (even jynx) and I don't like pokémon _that_ way (_**especially**_ jynx). Yet, like some sort of train wreck, I can't take my eyes off of her as she… yeah. Damn.

Suddenly the situation changes. Palkia shrieks and clutches at her pelvis as _something_ begins to emerge from her… oh my fucking god! She is giving birth! The thing squirms as it is forced out of Palkia and into the light of day, like a red worm rising out of its hole. Suddenly it flops out onto the ground and begins tearing at the bloody amniotic sac that clings to it. It rips the tissue away from its face and I let out a strangled yelp at the sight of a horrifying, wide-eyed grin.

It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I don't wait to see what happens next. I run, and then shriek in terror as she suddenly leaps out at me from behind a tree. I dive away from her grasping arms and scurry like the terrified animal on all fours, desperate to get away. But she's everywhere! No matter where I try to hide, she's already there! Grinning at me!

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!" I shriek in terror as she pops out of an oak tree right in front of me.

CRACK!

The world spins and fades to black.

I wake up with one hell of a headache. I open my eyes, then immediately shut them again as the bright light of day pierces my brain like a firebrand. I groan, "What the hell happened?"

"You had one hell of a bad trip, dude." Zero says from behind me. "I don't know what you were seeing, little dude, but just watching you freak out was painful man. So I punched you in the back of the head and put you out of your misery."

"Is that why my head hurts so much?" I ask as I squint out one eye, shielding my face from the harsh light of the sun.

"Sorta." Zero says with a shrug, "The Clefairy Special is really stiff stuff dude. It leaves you with a splitter, even on a good trip."

"How long until it stops hurting?" I ask with a grimace as I sit up.

"I'm a dealer man, not a doctor." Zero replies dismissively, "You don't eat your merchandise. Well, except for my happy bundles."

"about that." I say as I hold my head gingerly, "How on earth do you get between Kanto and Sinnoh?"

"I sneak aboard cargo ships bound for Sinnoh, Kanto, or wherever I want to go." Zero says, looking up at the sky. "Life is good, man, and I best be going or I'll be late for my meeting with the clefairy at the base of Mt. Moon. Good luck with your headache and that whole human delusion you have."

"It's not a delusion!" I exclaim, sending spikes of pain through my skull. "Ow."

I stay seated as zero walks off, hopefully no trainers will come along, because I don't think I'm in any condition to walk, let alone run.

Just say 'no', kiddies. Just say 'no'.


	4. In Which I Make a Big Mistake

ICG 4

I crawl my way into a bush as soon I can move without feeling like my brain is going to explode. Once there I just sit and think. Thus far, moving has only brought trouble, and I've still got one hell of a migraine and a goose egg on my skull on top of that. So I sit, and think.

The possibility that this was just a bad dream has long since been eliminated. Which leaves me exactly where I was before I took a bite of dynamite. Very damn hungry.

Pokémon live here, that much is a given. So there must be something edible _somewhere_! But where?

Suddenly a bright red object rolls across the ground in front of my bush. A big, juicy looking apple. My stomach growls and my mouth waters at the mere sight of the familiar, and gloriously edible, fruit. I don't think twice about it, I simply dive out of the bush and tackle the apple. By the time I realize what I'm doing half the apple is already gone.

"Hey! That's mine!"

I whirl around, holding the apple tightly to my chest, snarling, "Fuck you!"

The Caterpie recoils, but doesn't run, "But… I got it out of the tree…"

I blink. An apple tree? "Where?"

"Back that way." the Caterpie says, jerking its head back towards the forest behind it.

"Show me, and you can have the apple back."

~0~

A short walk later we find ourselves staring up at an enormous apple tree full of bright red shiny apples. I swear I can hear tiny cherubs singing somewhere. It's just that glorious a sight.

But how do I get that fruity goodness in me?

I slowly circle the tree, searching for a way up. Nope. It's way too big to just shake the fruit out. How do you get things out of trees in the games? You can knock pokémon out of trees using headbutt, and that means you can probably knock fruit out too. But riolu don't learn that move. I turn to the Caterpie. "How did you get the apple out of the tree?"

He looks up from the apple core he is chewing on. "I walked up the tree and picked it."

Hmm, I guess he would be able to do that. Doesn't help me though. Maybe I could try headbutting the tree. I mean really, what is the worst that could happen? I pause to consider that question. The answer to that question so far has been 'really fucking bad things'. Okay, so maybe I won't try to headbutt the tree. I begin to pace, trying to burn off some of the tension I can feel building. I never had a real even temper and this whole situation is really starting to get on my nerves. I mean seriously! It is not my fault that my video game was actually affecting an alternate reality! Those fuckers on Mt. Coronet had no right to do this to me! Why if I could get me hands on those sons of-

Suddenly, I feel a tingling in my hand- er, paw. I glance down to see a dim glow coming from it and it quickly fades back to nothing. What the fuck was that? Suddenly, it just clicks, _Force Palm_! It's one of the first moves Riolu learn and that pokédex did say I was around level ten, Ratticate evolves at level twenty or something and I kicked its butt! Maybe I leveled up and learned a new move!

But how do I use it?

I try focusing on the move, but nothing happens.

Perhaps it isn't a matter of thinking about moves. Maybe it has to do with the utilizing the _type_ of energy the move utilizes? That would be fighting type energy… how the fuck is that any different from normal type?

"Why does this have to be so fucking hard!" I snarl, slamming my paw into the tree trunk. I barely see a blue glow out of the corner of my eye before my paw connects with the tree trunk and unleashes a charged Force Palm!

The bark splinters around my hand and the entire tree shudders. I barely have time to realize what the hell just happened before it is practically raining apples. I laugh and happily begin devouring the closest apples as fast as I can.

I don't think I have ever tasted anything so wonderful.

I yelp as something heavy hits me on the head. I turn to see a large yellow shell. It's a Kakuna. I blink in surprise. "Where the fuck did you come from?"

The yellow pupa pokémon just glares at me.

"RUN!" I hear the Caterpie shriek followed by a loud buzzing noise.

_Oh fuck me._ I think as I look up to see several more Kakuna laying cockeyed in the lower branches as well as a swarm of Beedrill taking flight.

"Intruder!" "Kill the nest wrecker!" "Kill! Kill! Kill!"

I grab an apple and run. I take a moment to thank nobody in particular for my having the sense not to headbutt the tree. This is going to suck enough without being dizzy from hitting the tree with my head. However, all happy thoughts run away as a few Beedrill shoot ahead of me and pull an about face.

_I foresee pain in my immediate future._ I feel a warm wave pass over my leg. I don't pause to think, I just act, twisting around to do a bicycle style Blaze Kick that catches the lead Beedrill in the face. We both crash to the ground and tumble over each other as the other Beedrill veer off to avoid hitting their hivemate. I do my best to jump back up and stumble back into a sprint. I grin, that was surprisingly badass. I glance over my shoulder at the Beedrill swarm behind me.

_I am so fucked._ I think to myself when I see just how many of them there are. I turn my eyes back to the front as I enter a clearing and my heart just about stops. I am completely surrounded. I skid to a halt in the center and watch them.

I turn slowly, watching the as many of the Beedrill at once as I can. Every sense is attuned to my survival. I hear a shift in the pitch of the buzz behind me and I leap to the side as I twist around. I narrowly avoid being skewered by a pair of Beedrill stingers that glow with a sickly purple energy. Suddenly I feel something slam into my back and I am thrown forward onto the ground. I roll to the right as several Beedrill stingers pierce the ground where I had fallen.

I roll to my feet and twist between a Beedrill's stingers to deliver fierce headbutt to its face. I hear a crunch and feel something wet ooze over my head as the Beedrill's momentum carries us both backwards. I grab hold of the Beedrill's stinging arm and scissor my arms on it. I'm rewarded with a loud snap and the stinger breaks free in my paws.

Leaping to my feet I charge the Beedrill ahead of me, wielding the stinger like a two handed sword. I shriek at a burning pain in my shoulder and I am driven into the ground. I stumble back to my feet, my vision swimming.

A single Beedrill fills my vision and I cross my arms in front of myself as the Beedrill unleashes a Fury Attack. I grunt as the sharp stingers repeatedly stab into my arms and chest. I can feel an energy building in my core as the Beedrill's attack continues. The Beedrill pauses and I lunge forward, slamming both fists into its abdomen and unleashing the Counter attack.

The Beedrill is knocked backwards, but doesn't seem to be all that hurt by the attack. I yelp as I am thrown forcefully against a tree, then shriek as a Beedrill stinger stabs _through_ my leg and pins it to the tree.

A second and then a third stinger pin my arms to the tree trunk. I can feel my hot blood leaking out around the stingers. I look at the massive swarm gathered in front of me and begin kicking the Beedrill pinning my right leg. This may be the end of the line, but these bastards have another thing coming if they think I'll just roll over and take it in the ass.

The two Beedrill pinning my arms begin jabbing me mercilessly in the ribs. I shriek as my fur begins to darken with blood. I writhe in place, trying in vain to avoid the brutal stabbing. My vision swims and everything blurs. Suddenly, the Beedrill pinning me _burst_, and coat me and the ground in their ichorous innards. I fall forwards limply into the slime.

I weakly prop myself up and stare at the yellow blurs as they dart about, seemingly exploding at random before the surviving members of the swarm turn tail and run. I fall back down into the slime with a splat. I can feel eyes on me, but I don't have the strength to look. Instead, I fall into sleep.


	5. In Which I have Fangirls

I groan as I come to. Everything hurts, again. I really hope this isn't going to be the norm, because this sucks.

"Indeed it does, Mr. Upton." A deep voice agrees with a chuckle, "Though considering you lack experience and training, you've done surprisingly well."

I wearily look over my shoulder, "Well, shit."

The voice belongs to none other than Mewtwo, which explains the exploding Beedrill. He chuckles, "It might be a good idea to carefully check for Beedrill next time _before_ you start shaking trees."

"Yeah." I look around me at the spacious cavern we are in as well as the multiple beds set along one side, "So… why did you save me? I'm assuming you also healed me, since I don't have any huge holes in me right now and I'm clean."

Mewtwo smiles as he rises off the ground. "Let's just say I have an interest in you."

Suddenly a horrible thought springs forth from the back of my mind, mainly to do with all the Mewtwo porn a friend once trolled me with and a lot of it involving a Lucario, when he found out I play pokémon still. _I'm about to get raped._

Mewtwo's eyes go wide as saucers, "They drew me doing _what_ with _who_?"

I frown "What?"

"Those images your mind just broadcast, the ones of me doing sexual things with… well, a lot of things." He shudders and rubs his face. "I assure you, my interest in you has nothing to do with any carnal desire on my part."

"Um, furries mostly. I think."

"Your world is a strange one then."

"Doesn't change the fact that I would like to get back to it." I say, relaxing a bit, "Is there any way that I could get you to help me?"

"No." Mewtwo says flatly. He floats across the room and picks up a spray bottle from a large chest. "But I can finish fixing you up."

Mewtwo crouches down in front of me holding the spray bottle in one hand. As he pulls the trigger and a cool mist sprays over my already partially healed wounds, I ask, "But aren't you supposed to the strongest pokémon in existence?"

The super potion works its magic on my body, healing it completely. Mewtwo shrugs, "I can level an entire facility, but I can't bridge dimensions or change your body without killing you in the process. Besides, I don't think you need to worry about dying any time soon."

"My current track record says otherwise. I've been a pokémon for three days and nearly gotten myself killed in rather brutal ways twice."

"Well, your biggest problem now is going to be trainers. Word of a super rare pokémon with incredibly high attack power and a one of a kind fur pattern has already spread through most of the towns in this area of Kanto."

"Fuuuck."

"Look on the bright side! They don't want you dead so they will be holding back while you go all out." Mewtwo says with a chuckle.

I grimace, "I'm only level twelve or something. They'll becoming at me with the same pokémon they would come after you with."

"According to my pokédex you are closer to sixteen than twelve. Taking on an entire swarm of Beedrill will do that."

I stare at Mewtwo, "You have a pokédex?"

"Yeah? They aren't hard to find. Most trainers have one these days. I just manipulated a trainer into dropping theirs and not noticing." He chuckles, "I'm kind of tempted to become a trainer myself. It might be a fun change of pace from training here with the girls."

"Who?"

"My mate and children."

"Oh…" I pause climbing to my feet, "You are really not turning out the way I expected."

"What did you expect?"

"Someone much more dignified with a large group of strong cloned pokémon with him." I say scratching my head, "At least that's how the movies portrayed you."

"I was in movies? Cool."

I roll my eyes, "Is everything I know about the pokémon world going to be turned on its head?"

Mewtwo looks me in the eyes for a bit. "Based on what you think you know, yes. Most of it is going to be turned on its head. Most of the basic battle principles will remain the same, but who ever made that animated series doesn't know shit about the real world. That Ash Ketchum fellow is a fucking retard."

I laugh, "He made bricks look smart. He did have some serious guts though. Enough to try to punch you in the face even though he knew how ridiculously powerful you are."

Mewtwo raises a brow before laughing, "That is gutsy."

"Honey? Who are you talking to?"

Mewtwo and I both turn to the cavern entrance where a brown fox-like pokémon with red claws and a long ponytail is standing. Mewtwo gestures to me, "Maiora, I'd like you to meet Mr. Tyler Spartacus Upton."

Maiora's eyes widen and her hands go to her mouth before she starts pointing at me, "I-it's that… that…. that _guy_!"

I frown, "What?"

"Except he is shorter than he is supposed to be." She adds quickly with a frown.

"Yes, he is a lot shorter than he is supposed to be. He is supposed to be human." Mewtwo replies emphatically.

I glance at Mewtwo, just barely catching a gesture of some kind. "Again, what?"

Mewtwo chuckles, "I've told her about you already, at least a little bit, and I guess she expected someone a lot bigger."

I climb to my feet and start walking towards Maiora, "Okay… so, uh, Ms. Maiora, what exactly are you?"

"I'm a Zoroark." She giggles, "I'm not surprised you don't know what I am. I'm not from around these parts."

"Neither am I," I comment wryly, "But I know almost all the pokémon in Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh. And I haven't heard of anything called a Zoroark."

"That's because I'm not from any of those places." Maiora grins.

Whut? You mean there are more than four major regions? Not counting the Pokémon Ranger games since there aren't any new pokémon in those. Does that mean… there is another pokémon game? And I'm not gonna be able to play it from the safety of my home! That sucks! Whatever, nothing I can do about that right now. Wait a sec, if I can find a way back to being human, I may be able to _live_ that game! How awesome would that be? Or if I got caught by the right trainer… but that would be some serious lottery jackpot type odds I would be facing if I tried that method of getting to wherever that place is. Then again, the odds aren't much better for me getting back to being human either.

I glance back at Mewtwo, figuring he probably was listening in on my thoughts. Judging from his amused expression, I'd Imagine so.

"I think that you might want to focus on something much more immediate. Like surviving my daughters' infatuation. They love Riolu."

"Huh?"

I whirl around at the sound of several high pitched screams and see a mob of dark brown foxes all running at me. I yelp as I am quickly dog piled by… screaming fangirls?

It's very difficult to make out words from the swirling mass of brown fur that surrounds me and all the squealing is making it even harder, but I'm pretty sure I can make out 'Cute', 'Sexy', 'Cuddly', and, the most troublesome one, 'Mine'. Suddenly someone grabs me by the foot and yanks me out of the mass of foxes.

I find myself dangling over the mob. They all immediately sit and look up at me. I start counting them. There must be at least eight of them, all staring at me with a mixture of adoration and something akin to hunger. I feel like a cross between a celebrity and a dog treat.

"Girls, MR. Upton is not a toy or a pet. He is a guest. And he will be treated as such for the duration of his visit." Maiora tells the little foxes sternly, "Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Mother." They respond in unison. I give Maiora an upside down look then turn my gaze to Mewtwo.

"Are these all yours?" I ask gesturing to the gathered girls.

"Yep."

"Damn, you two must get it on like a couple of Lopunnies." I chuckle. Suddenly the grip on my foot tightens. Oh shit.

"You know what? Girls, I've changed my mind. Have fun with Tyler. Your father and I are going to have some alone time together." Maiora says before tossing me across the room. "Play nice, and remember to share."

I groan as I sit up rubbing my head. The girls watch as Mewtwo and Maiora leave, then as one they all turn and look at me. I whimper quietly, "Mommy."


	6. In which My V Card is Threatened

ICG6 : In Which my V Card is in Danger

(Oh look a brief third person scene)

As they slip into a secluded side cavern, Mewtwo glances back over his shoulder. "Are you sure it is a good idea to just leave him with the girls like that?"

"Are you kidding? He'll be fine." Maiora says with a snicker. "It's not like he's gonna be raped or something."

Mewtwo doesn't seem convinced as Maiora takes him by the arm and pushes him against the cave wall, "I'm not so sure about that, Kadi is old enough to consider such a thing. And I know she has certainly dreamed it."

"With all the other girls there, she wouldn't dare. She's far too timid." Maiora giggles as she grabs Mewtwo's wrists and pins them over his head, "And what have I told you about dream watching? Especially watching something as naughty as your own daughter bedding a Riolu?"

"I stopped watching when I realized what was happening!" Mewtwo exclaims indignantly, "What sort of perverted monster do you take me for?"

Suddenly, Mewtwo finds his wrists chained to the wall and his mouth bound with a ball gag. Maiora's visage blurs and the Zoroark suddenly becomes a _very _womanly version of Mewtwo carrying a riding crop. She grins as she reaches down between Mewtwo's legs, and presses her impressive chest against his as she whispers in his ear, "One of the highest caliber, and all _mine_."

=030=

(and back to Tyler)

I hate little girly girls.

For the past couple hours the Zorua girls have all transformed into human looking girls, most of them don't look older than 13, and have been passing me back and forth like a minikeg at a spring break party.

There has been much fur brushing, claw filing, claw _painting_, cuddling, and petting going on. But thank the gods, or just the god damn clock, that is finally coming to an end as one by one the Zoruas fall asleep. In fact, there is only one that is still awake.

She is presumably the oldest, if her appearance is anything to go by, but she seems to actually be the shyest of the bunch. She only petted me a couple times before passing me to the next girl each time she got me. This is probably going to be my best chance at escape.

"Hey, uh…" Aw crap, I can't remember her name.

"Kadi." She replies quietly.

"Where is the bathroom?"

She smiles, "Go out the doorway there and take a left, it will be the third door on your right."

I nod, "I'll be back in a bit."

I hurry out into the hall and turn left. If it weren't for the fact that the walls, floor, and ceiling are all made of smooth stone, it would look a lot like a normal hallway in any home. I mean seriously, even the doors are simple wooden doors that would not be out of place in my own home back in the… well, not 'real world', as this is obviously real too, but my world.

I push open the door and look inside… it is in fact a very ordinary bathroom. White porcelain sink, toilet, and bathtub in a plain stone room lit by some sort of glowy bulbs that grow out of the ceiling. I wasn't lying when I said I needed to go to the bathroom. I haven't taken a shit in three days. Partially because when Palkia put me back together there was nothing in my stomach or intestines. Wait… that means… a wave of nausea washes over me and I dash for the toilet, throwing up the lid and retching violently. I spit what little comes up into the toilet and turn to the sink with a shudder. 'Waste not, want not' has never been so disgusting a principle as it is right now. I climb up on the stepstool in front of the sink and shove my head under the faucet as I turn on the cold water. After rinsing my head and face I use the water to rinse out my mouth too. With that out of the way I turn back to the toilet and my original business in here.

I size up the toilet, it looks like your standard human toilet with a back mounted water tank. I am not typical human size, I am about two and a half feet tall, which means if I'm not careful, I could actually fall into this thing. And that's not the only problem. A quick examination of my, ahem, equipment revels a troubling fact, it's very canine in appearance. For those of you unfamiliar with the nonsexual uses of the male anatomy, when you pee through a penis, you can _aim_ the bastard so that the piss goes where it is supposed to. Canine anatomy is not nearly as convenient. The sheath angles upwards and is very much _not_ aimable in the downward direction. If I were still out in the woods, taking a shit in a self dug latrine, this would not bother me. However, I am in_Mewtwo's house_. I doubt pissing on the floor of one of the most powerful individuals in Kanto's house is an incredibly intelligent thing to do. Never mind that he saved my fucking life.

"And I thought I was done potty training by this point." I sigh and climb up onto the toilet. I'll spare you the details and just say that the mission was a success. It was awkward as fuck, but a successful endeavor nonetheless.

I climb back up onto the stepstool and start to wash my paws as I start considering my next 'mission' getting out of here. Sure, ditching this place after Mewtwo took me in and all is a little rude, but his daughters –

BOOM!

I yelp and whirl around, but before I can see who just kicked in the door I slip on a puddle from cleaning my face earlier. I let out a yell as I fall off the stepstool and land on my back. I groan and look up to see a Lucario leaning against the doorframe with a smirk on her face. "Smooth move, cutie." She says in Kadi's voice with a snicker before she sashays into the bathroom and closes the door behind herself, locking it for good measure.

"Um, uh, Kadi? What are you doing?" I ask nervously as she picks me up and places me into the bathtub before climbing in herself.

"It's time for me to have my turn with you." she says as she pushes me down into a seated position and starts reaching down south, "I thought you might be more comfortable doing it with a girl more your type."

"Nope!" I reply kicking backwards away from her to the other end of the bathtub. "You are totally not my type! My type has boobs!"

Kadi giggles, then her figure glows red briefly and I find myself staring at a respectable pair of tits. They're still on a Lucario, buuut, "That is definitely an improvement."

Kadi grins at me as she scoots closer again. "That's the wonderful thing about Zoruas and Zoroarks; we can be everyone and everything that you've ever dreamed of doing."

I raise a paw, "For the record, seeing as I come from a purely human background, I prefer humans over pokémon; however, that is good to know."

Kadi glows again and now she is one of _the_ most model hot women I have ever seen. All the plastic surgeons in Hollywood couldn't give a woman a body like the one I am looking at right now. Which would be great, if an odd thought didn't pop into my head, "Aren't you kinda young to be looking like that?" aaand out my mouth. I should probably work on that.

However Kadi laughs, "I'm old enough."

She crawls closer and pins me against the end of the tub with an arm as her other hand heads south once more. I don't stop her this time. The hand on my chest holding me in place feels human, so I'm guessing the rest of her will too. It may not be the best way to lose my V card, to a woman that is in actuality a pokémon, but it's not as if I have to tell the truth if asked.

I flinch as her hand grips my package, then bite my lip as she begins gently massaging it. Holy shit, that feels good. No, not good, _amazing_. My thoughts must be pretty visible, because Kadi chuckles, "And we're just getting started."

This has to be one of the single craziest moments in my life to date. Here in front of me is one of the hottest women I have ever seen, pinning me to the wall of a bathtub with one hand while her other massages my junk. As my little buddy emerges from its hiding place Kida begins to slide me down so that I am on my back and moves to straddle me.

I'm about to have sex with Mewtwo's daughter. _Holy shit I'm about to have sex with __**MEWTWO'S**__ daughter!_ Suddenly, I can see the red flags. I can finally hear the alarm bells. This is a _really_ bad idea!

I curl up quickly and plant both feet firmly on Kida's hips as I kick upwards. To my surprise, Kida actually rockets upwards and slams into the ceiling. Instantly she turns back into a Zorua, but before she is even halfway back down to the tub, I'm already scrambling out and trying to unlock the door. Fortunately the lock turns on my second try, and the door handle on my first. I throw open the door and dive into the hall. I crash into the opposite wall and it hurts, running into large slabs of rock usually does, but I merely roll back to my feet and start running as fast as I can down the hall. If the waves of rage radiating from the room behind me are any indication, Kadi is either about to tie me down and fuck me senseless when she catches me, or she is going to make sure I never have the chance to fuck again.

If anybody told me that my first even somewhat sexual encounter with a female would have lead to me running for my life in the subterranean dwelling of an internationally renowned pop culture icon, I would have laughed at them. However, I also would have laughed if they told me that I would be turned into a pokémon before my first sexual encounter. Regardless, here I am, quite possibly running for my manhood in a strange place and I'm pretty sure my only hope of survival is Mewtwo himself.

"Get back here and let me screw you!" Kida shouts. That she still wants to just sex me silly as opposed to castrating me is a bit of a relief, but the risk of being Mewtwo's daughter's baby's daddy is just about as terrifying.

"Nooooo!" I shout back over my shoulder as I fly down the hall, praying that Mewtwo and Maiora are somewhere up ahead. Suddenly the sounds of Kadi chasing after me change and I glance back. Tentacles! Tentacles everywhere! I don't know how she does this transformation bullshit, but she has suddenly turned herself into a Tangrowth! Throwing what little male ego and dignity I have left aside, I scream like a little girl and try to run even faster, bouncing off walls as the hall suddenly gets a hell of a lot less straight.

I stop screaming for a moment to duck underneath a swinging vine and I hear something that sounds like muffled voices coming from up ahead. One of the voices sounds kinda like Mewtwo's. _My virginity is saved!_ Did I actually just say that?

Regardless of how absurd things have suddenly gotten, with the intervention of Mewtwo, everything will be set straight!

I rush towards the voices I hear, "HELP! YOUR DAUGHTER IS TRYING TO RAPE MEEEEE! HELLL- the fuck?"

I screech to a halt and stare at the sight before me. "Is this some sort of bizarre birth control method?" I hear myself asking as I stare at the gender-swapped and mask wearing Mewtwo and Maiora in the middle of… you know.

"GOTCHA!"

I shriek as several tentacles wrap around me and yank me out of the doorway. I scream and claw at the ground as I am dragged backwards towards the mass of vines that is about to rape me in what may be a very, very painful way. Suddenly an icy wind blasts through the hallway and the tentacles vanish. I look up to see a very angry Mewtwo. Not Femtwo, just pissed Mewtwo and quite possibly for the first time I can actually _feel_ the anger rolling off of him just like the icy fog that is drifting off his hands.

"I am very displeased, Kida." Mewtwo growls, "I thought we could trust you to be alone with a boy for a couple hours. It would seem we were wrong."

"But-!"

"But nothing!" Mewtwo interrupts, "Go to your room, now."

Kida turns and hurries back down the hall way and disappears into a room. I climb to my feet and brush myself off. Mewtwo sighs, "I am very sorry about that. I should have seen it coming."

I chuckle, "I certainly didn't see that coming. But I probably shouldn't have insulted your wife either."

Mewtwo chuckles, "Heh, you learn quick with her."

I raise a brow and gesture to the room where Maiora still is, "I certainly did not expect that."

Mewtwo's face visibly changes shade and he rubs the back of his neck with a chuckle, "Yeah, um, about that. I would really appreciate it if you kept what you saw under your hat."

I hold up my multicolored claws and chuckle, "Get me some nail polish remover and I'll forget I ever saw you at all."

Mewtwo smiles, "I think I can manage that."

~0~

It's the next morning when I step outside of Mewtwo's cave near Cerulean City, a belly full of food, polish free claws, and a good night's sleep behind me. Mewtwo puts a hand on my shoulder, "The road ahead of you isn't easy, and at times it may look like you have nothing left to lose, but there is happiness waiting for you at the end of it. I can promise you that."

I chuckle, "I'm sure I will find a place that I can hide away from all the trainers."

Mewtwo smiles, one of those knowing smiles that makes you wonder what the hell is going on in their heads. It could be anything I guess. Hell, since he is a psychic type he may know exactly what is going to happen to me. "You will, and it will be in the least expected of places."

I tap my forehead, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good." Mewtwo says as he stands up and walks back into the cave. Suddenly the entire cave vanishes, replaced by a solid wall of rock. I blink in surprise, then shake myself. I've seen crazier things in recent days then a disappearing cave. I groan and shake my head as I head out into the tall grass surrounding Mt. Moon and towards somewhere where I could be free of trainers. I think I just might have a chance at making it out alive after all.

Anton, as you already know, is a trained Pidgeotto with a rebellious nature. And when I say rebellious, I mean that he's stubborn and practically won't listen to anything unless he respects the trainer. In order for that to happen, though, the trainer must prove himself by courage, determination, and fairness. When all that is done with, Anton will obey and do his best to help the trainer. In other words, he won't go down lightly.  
As for the trainer himself, nothing is set in stone; you can do pretty much anything in that area. Just keep the above in mind; Anton isn't likely to side with someone with poor qualities.


	7. In Which There is Chocolate

Why won't this sunovabitch leave me alone!

Using a quick attack I juke out of the way of a set of sharp talons that rake the space where I had been just moments before. The pidgeotto soars back above the tree line for a moment, and I make an abrupt turn to the left, hoping that it will lose my trail long enough for me to get a head start. I hear a rustling to my left and I leap straight up, grabbing a branch as a mightyena flies underneath me, its jaws smoking with dark energies.

This trainer is damn persistent, I mean really damn persistent. He spotted me earlier this week and has either been on my ass or on my trail for the past four days, and in the last two I haven't slept more than a few hours thanks to all my time going to trying to put as much distance between me and him.

I swing myself up onto the branch I am hanging from and then hurriedly leap from tree to tree like a squirrel. After unlocking the secret of using my pokémon abilities several weeks ago, I have really gotten the hang of this new body and combining its strength and abilities to my advantage when combined with my past experience it has enabled me to fight above my level, which is probably around thirty by now. I've also found that instinct and gut reactions are my friends these days, both of which have been sharpened by my new body being what it is. I've figured out how to single out certain emotions that radiate in my direction, like the aggression barreling towards me from above. I change course abruptly, throwing myself against a tree trunk and swinging along to the other side. Then I turn and throw a sky uppercut as the pidgeotto banks sharply around the corner. I grin as my fist connects solidly under the pidgeotto's beak and we both rise up out of the trees and into the air.

My grin then vanishes as I realize that up here, he has the upper hand. A fact that is soon enforced by sharp talons latching onto my arm as the pidgeotto twists into a dive with me on bottom. I grit my teeth and brace myself moments before I am slammed into a thick branch. With a crack it splinters and I tumble free of the pidgeotto's grip, its claws slicing thin lines of pain in my arm. I crash to the ground and roll over onto my feet.

As I rise I see a grey blur heading straight for me and fire off a force palm attack. The energies of our attacks blend and cancel out, my type advantage managing to cancel out the other's obvious level advantage. However, he still has teeth and those are now closed around my arm. With a snarl he begins to whip his head back and forth. I do my best to not be completely thrown about, but it isn't easy. Gritting my teeth against the pain I lash out with another force palm on the end of the mightyena's nose. He yelps out a profanity and I find my arm free again. I focus my emotional energies for a moment and unleash a reversal attack on the mightyena.

The fighting type energy singes the dark type's fur as it strikes his neck and chest and he yowls wordlessly. I grimace as I turn and run before he can recollect his focus, having a powerful reversal attack is a pyrrhic victory of sorts as it means my hp, my resistance to serious injury, is rapidly fading. As of yet I've only collected a few scratches from those last two blows, but if this two on one fight continues it won't be long before I'm in danger of more than just a pokeball.

Speaking of two on one, where did that damn bird get to anyway? I shut my eyes as I run, which under normal circumstances is not a recommended practice, especially in the woods, however right now, locating that pidgeotto takes precedence over not running into a tree. Two bright points of color immediately come to my attention, two points of aggression coming towards me from directly behind me and another from above and to my left. I immediately open my eyes and turn right, doing my best to keep trees between me and the pidgeotto.

My heart sinks as I see the trees thinning, and before long I am running in the open with a town in front of me. I try to return to the woods, but am forced to leap back as the pidgeotto dive bombs me. Now my way back to the woods is blocked by the mightyena too. Blood dribbles out of his possibly broken nose as he snarls, [Nowhere to left to hide, punk.] He snorts, spraying blood on the grass, [Just give up.]

[I'd rather he didn't.] the pidgeotto chirps with a breathy chuckle, [I like a good fight.]

[Shut up Anton, if he were an electric or rock type you'd be singing a different tune.]

[I would not!] Anton squawks angrily before fluttering closer to the mightyena, [You're just pissy that he bloodied your nose and now you can't sniff butts!]

[I am not!] the mightyena growls up at the smaller bird pokemon, [I do not sniff butts!]

[Oh that's right, you lick them.} Anton caws, [I guess there is no harm then since you can still rim your boyfriends to your homo heart's content.]

[I am not gay damnit!]

[Tell that to that male growlithe you were humping.]

I watch in confusion as the two pokémon that up till this point have been constantly on my ass begin to get up in each other's faces, about ready to start fighting each other. Slowly turning I begin to creep towards the town, with every intention of finding a gutter or trash can to hide in. However, I am interrupted by a human shouting, "Grayson! Pidgeotto! Cut the crap!"

I look back over my shoulder to see _him_ stepping out of the forest, adjusting his black leather cowboy hat as he grins confidently at me. He pulls out a pokéball and casually spins it on one finger, "You've put up one hell of a fight, but this ends here. Pidgeotto, air cutter. Grayson, quick attack."

The pidgeotto takes off and flaps its wings hard, sending a flurry of glowing sickles flying my way. I do my best to dodge, but I can't avoid all of them and the super effective attack burns into my back before I am hit by the mightyena's quick attack. I curl up as I am sent skipping and bouncing over the ground.

Fuck, I think I'm almost out of hp, shit is about to _really_ start hurting now. That and I might not be able to force my way out of the next pokéball that makes contact. Looks like no matter how I look at it, this is the end of the line. Shakily rising to my feet again and I turn to face them with a wry grin as I spit pink saliva onto the grass. Preparing to 'Endure', I laugh, [Bring it on, bitches.]

The trainer guy steps forwards with his pokéball, "Grayson, pidgeotto, stand down. This fight is over."

He hurls the ball and all I brace myself for the impending capture, but what I get instead is a loud clack. Opening my eyes I see a pair of pokeballs rolling on the grass in front of me.

"What the hell do you think you are doing!" a woman's voice demands. Everyone turns to look at the woman coming towards us with an angry expression on her face.

The man with the hat frowns, "I could ask the same of you ma'am. I'm trying to catch a wild pokémon. What are you doing getting in the way?"

"He is not a wild pokémon! He's mine!"

Mr. Trainer laughs, "Ma'am, you have to be out of your head. I have been tracking this odd looking riolu for the past five days. He couldn't possibly be yours."

"Oh yeah?" She retorts, placing a hand on her hips, "He'll come if I call him."

I look back to the man and he snickers, "Okay. Go ahead and try."

The woman turns her attention to me and pats her leg, "Come here, Riolu."

I look her over. She looks like she is probably in her late teens, maybe old enough to drink, but she doesn't look much like a trainer, not in those black slacks and white button up shirt. I can't help but notice that she's also kinda curvy and, well, stacked. I glance back at the man who snorts and shakes his head, and then turn back to the woman. On the one hand I have slavery as a gladiator of sorts and the other I have slavery as a pet. Neither really appeals to me, but as a pet I would have two or three meals a day, a bed, and life would be pretty easy. Actually life as a pet is pretty appealing now that I think about it.

I start walking towards the woman when I notice I notice something in the woman's left hand and my eyes narrow. Is that… chocolate? No, it's dark chocolate!

I immediately sprint over to the lady and take the chocolate as she scoops me up in her arms. She presses me to her chest as I try to get the super dark chocolate, it says ninety percent cacao on the package, out. I can't help but grin, I've got a delicious bittersweet treat and boobs being smushed against the side of my head. I am in a happy place, man!

Finally the package yields its treasure to me and I take a big bite. Oh my god I love cacao. My friends make fun of me for it, calling me 'a woman for chocolate' but I don't care. It tastes good to me and encourages the release of endorphins, the happy chemicals in your brain, the same stuff that sex and certain drugs stimulate the release of.

"Bribery? Damnit woman, that's cheating!" The man exclaims as his pokémon look on dumbstruck.

The woman just smiles as she picks up her pokéball and bumps me with it. I allow myself to be sucked inside and just wait for the ball to do its magic. I've got the chocolate, bitches. The woman laughs, "Is not. The League doesn't say how you have to catch a pokémon, only that you have to do it with League pokéballs."

I take another bite of chocolate while watching all this through the translucent shell of the pokéball. I'm not sure how the pokéball works exactly, but I don't really care at this point. I make a face at Anton, Grayson, and their trainer as the woman turns and walks away.

Once she gets back to the woods and out of sight of the man and his pokémon she releases me from the pokéball. She crouches down next to me and rubs my head as I take another bite of chocolate. "I'll take you to the pokémon center in a bit, but right now-"

"EEEEEE!"

Suddenly I am being whirled around and around by something that is letting out a high pitched squeal. The spinning stops and I squirm out of my captor's grip. Running straight for the woman that saved my butt earlier, I hide behind her leg and look at the one who had been spinning me. It's a girl. A little girl, probably about five or six, and she is absolutely filthy. Covered head to toe in dirt, her jeans are stained with dirt, grass, berries and burrs are sticking to the thick fabric. She gives me a gap toothed grin, "Hi puppy!"

The woman that rescued me puts her hands on her hips and sighs, "What have I told you about running off, Izzy? It is not safe to go into the woods by yourself."

The girl rolls her eyes, "There isn't anything around here but bugs."

"Yes, _poisonous_ bugs. Like weedil and beedrill." I shudder, I do not like beedrill for very obvious reasons. Almost being killed by something tends to make you a bit wary of them. "And look at your clothes! What have you been doing? Rolling in the dirt?"

"Yes!" Izzy replies with a giggle.

I can't help but palm my face in disbelief, this little girl is crazy. Wait, if I'm palming my head with one paw, where is my chocolate? I look about frantically for my morsel, but I can't seem to find it.

"Oh wow! Chocolate!" I hear Izzy exclaim and I whirl on her. She has my chocolate!

[NO! DROP THAT CHOCOLATE!] I bark at her, running towards her as she goes to take a bite of the dirty chocolate. Instead of dropping the chocolate she plants a dirty foot on my face and pushes me onto my ass while she holds the chocolate out of reach.

"Bad puppy! Chocolate is not good for you!" she tells me authoritatively as I leap beck to my feet.

I jump for the chocolate, easily reaching the meager height that she can hold it above my head; however, to my surprise she whips the chocolate out of my reach again and catches me with one foot, holding me over her head with a grin like some sort of tiny kung-fu gymnast. I roll off her foot and drop to the ground as she twists to keep her body between me and the chocolate. "This is my chocolate."

[Like hell it is.] I growl and lunge for it again. This time she wraps her tiny leg around my neck and throws me to the ground. I lay there stunned as she sits down on my back. I'm getting played by a preschooler!

I look to the woman and whimper piteously as Izzy sits on my back and begins to eat the chocolate. She just laughs, "Well it is her chocolate. Izzy, get off of him. He's had a rough enough afternoon without you sitting on him."

Izzy stands up and starts walking back towards town. I climb back to my feet and walk over to the woman, holding my arms up in a silent request to be carried. She smiles and picks me up, holding me snugly to her chest. I may not have chocolate anymore, but I can still snuggle against a pair of boobs. Yeah, I'm a pervert, deal with it.


	8. In Which I get a New Name

The trip back into town is pleasant and relatively uneventful until we reach the pokémon center. As my savior approaches the doors of the pokémon center they part automatically to allow a teen with a charmeleon by his side to walk through. My rescuer steps to the side to let the teen by, but the teen freezes when he spots me and his eyes go wide as saucers. "It's that Riolu!"

I immediately press myself a bit deeper into my rescuer's cleavage, and then relax. I don't have to run anymore! I giggle and stick my tongue out at him before shoving my face in my rescuer's cleavage again, after all I have no reason [i]_not_[/i] to. She gently pets my head as she walks into the pokémon center and I look around. Ever since meeting Mewtwo, I've been a bit curious just how much like the games, manga, and anime this world really was. Now is a chance to see where things were the same and where they differed.

The pokémon center resembles a hospital, which makes sense. I look around me at the other people and pokémon gathered around. Some are injured, some aren't. Doesn't surprise me really. Even the anime had pokémon getting hurt, and that was a fairly 'ideal' version and the one I've been living in has seemed a good deal more dog-eat-dog than that.

In a very short amount of time we arrive at the front counter where there is no Nurse Joy. Well, there is a nurse, and her name is Joy if the name tag on her blouse is to be believed, but she doesn't look anything like the Nurse Joy from the anime. First off, she's not white with pink hair; she's black with an afro bun thing on the back of her head. She looks at me and raises a brow, then pointing at me she says, "You sir, are a notorious little son of a gun." She glances up at my guardian and chuckles, "And you, Gina Palmissano, are the last person I expected to come marching in here with him. How in the hell did you catch him when all the best trainers for miles could barely keep up with the cheeky bastard?"

"Apparently he has more in common with my little tyrant than just being a scrappy little monkey." Gina chuckles, "I offered him a bar of dark chocolate and he practically jumped into my pokéball."

Nurse Joy stands up and chuckles, "Well, come on back and I'll go through the initial check up and get you started on all the necessary paperwork for an exotic pokémon. Though I trust you have more than enough experience with keeping little super powered monsters in line."

Gina follows Nurse Joy into the back of the pokémon center, down a hallway and into a room that doesn't look too different from any examination room that I've been in before… well, except for the fact that it has a chansey in it.

Nurse Joy whispers something to the chansey and the pink pokémon quickly hurries out of the room. Turning back to us she smiles at Izzy who is still nibbling happily on what _was_ my chocolate bar. "Alright you little terror, you're first."

Izzy grins as she hops up onto the examination table. Nurse Joy pulls out some sort of handheld scanner and waves it around the little girl. Suddenly the girl is surrounded by a red glowing field, and the scanner beeps. Nurse Joy quickly turns and looks over as a digital display lights up with a bunch of text and numbers. Even though she has set the scanner down, Izzy continues to glow for nearly a minute as Nurse Joy examines the data on the screen. I can make out a few of the words on the screen, like 'Type', 'Level', and 'Move Pool'. Finally the glow disappears and Nurse Joy nods, "Alright, you're doing real well. Almost hit your next level. How's the blaze kick coming? Gina told me that you finally got Stretch to teach it to you."

"I've almost got it." Izzy replies with a grin, "But it catches my pants on fire, and Mommy won't let me go anywhere without my pants."

"And rightly so." Nurse Joy chuckles, slapping Izzy on the back, "Alright, hop on down to make room for Whitey."

Izzy jumps down and runs over to grab my tail, pulling me out of Gina's arms. [Hey!] I yelp as Izzy throws me over her shoulder, and then onto the examination table. I land with all the grace of a sack of bricks and it hurts. However, the soreness I feel from my earlier battle is nothing compared to the hurt my brain is feeling right now. This girl has pokémon abilities? How is that even possible?

I almost don't realize Nurse Joy is waving that scanner thing over me until I begin to glow. Unlike Izzy's glow, mine is two colors, red and white swirling together like something out of Dragon Ball. _I'm a super saiyan beyotch! _I giggle and turn to look at the screen with Nurse Joy.

Nurse Joy lets out a low whistle, "Level forty. No wonder you've managed to kick all the local trainer's butts, your power levels are on par with the rising stars in the league. However, your hit point energies are close to zero right now. Most pokémon don't fight to that point." She turns to me with a scolding tongue, "You shouldn't fight that hard unless your life actually depends on it. A pokémon whose energy hits absolute zero becomes fragile as glass and irreparable damage can occur from even weak blows!"

I nod solemnly. I'd been in many long fights in the past couple weeks and a few of them involved trainers withdrawing pokémon who were too hardcore to know when they were beat, and actively scolding them in front of me. I think that may have been what happened with that ratticate I fought my first day here. He may have been lower on HP than he let on, and he hit absolute zero, and so he died.

Slowly a grin creeps across my face. I'd always been kinda curious whether there was actual 'levels' or if that was just game mechanics necessary for the mathematical algorithms to work, and I guess now I know that it is both. And I've gained thirty levels in just a few short weeks! That is some serious level grinding!

Nurse Joy however, is already back to examining the data from that glow scan. "Hmmm, that is odd though. Usually pokémon that evolve based on happiness are already evolved by that level. Especially since if the stories about this guy are true, that when he was first spotted he was only level ten."

[You try having every trainer in a radius of 50 miles trying to hunt you down.] I growl, rolling my eyes and folding my arms over my chest, [There is very little to be consistently happy about!]

Gina reaches out a hand and scratches my head gently, and I can't help but smile. That feels really good. Nurse Joy chuckles, "Though now that he is going to be living with you, I suspect he'll evolve before too long."

Izzy's eyes light up and she begins to clap her hands and jump up and down. "He's going to stay with us?"

About that same time, the chansey returns holding a clipboard with some legal looking documents on it. Nurse Joy takes the clipboard and starts filling in information. Gina smiles at Izzy, "Yep. I caught him, so we get to keep him." She looks at me, "That is if he wants to stay anyway."

I nod emphatically, because there is no way I am going back out there. Not with the upper tier trainers like that tracker starting to come around.

Gina takes the clip board from Nurse Joy and begins signing the documents. She glances down at me, "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you don't want to be called 'Whitey' or 'Riolu' forever. Am I right?" She giggles and holds out the pen and clipboard to me, "Care to give your John Hancock?"

[You better believe it!] I lean forwards and grab the pen in both paws. I quickly try to scratch out my name on the right space. When I'm done, the result is pretty abysmal. I mean, I had been clinically diagnosed with dysgraphia (it's like a writing version of dyslexia, and it also means your handwriting is going to be crappy forever) back when I was human and actually had _thumbs_ then too. Naturally, I wasn't exactly expecting it to look like textbook print, but damn that signature is pretty bad.

"Well that is interesting." Nurse Joy remarks as she leans in and examines my work, "He signed on the right line. Unfortunately I can't tell what the hell this is supposed to be."

"Well," Gina points to the first letter, "This is obviously a 'T'. The rest is about as legible as a doctor's signature."

[Oh come on!] I exclaim indignantly, [That looks nothing like doctor's signature!]

"No, that doesn't look like a doctor's signature." Nurse Joy disagrees.

[Thank you.]

"It's way worse than that." Nurse Joy continues with a snicker. "He clearly has more than one PhD."

[GWAAAH!] I let myself fall backwards onto the examination table with a thud. Both ladies look over at me and laugh. [I give up. You can call me Mr. Squiggles for all I care.]

"But it is really interesting that he can read. I don't think I've ever encountered a wild pokémon that knew how to read." Nurse Joy says after she stops laughing. "And he at least knows _how_ to write, even if he can't do it very well. Well, at all really."

[I'd like to see you try and write with paws.] I growl, holding one up, [Then we can talk about my writing ability.]

Nurse Joy smiles at me, "And he clearly understands everything we say. Many wild pokémon can't. He really is a very special pokémon."

"Yeah, but what do we call him? He obviously has a name already." Gina points out, "It wouldn't feel right just taking that from him."

"Well, his signature has the letter T in it at the beginning, and it is about as legible as a doctor's. How about Dr. T? You can always add the rest of his name later once he can make it known."

Suddenly my mind is filled with the image of Mr. T in a white doctor's coat. I snicker, [Dr. T pities the fool who don't take his vitamins every day. … I am almost okay with that one.]

Gina nods and looks over at me, "You keep working on your penmanship, and we'll get your name changed eventually. Until then, is Dr. T good with you? Or maybe just 'Doc'?"

Doc. It's a good name. There have been lots of cool Docs. Doc Holliday, Doctor Jones, Doc Ock, Doc of Snow White fame, Bugs Bunny's catch phrase, and _The_ Doctor. Okay, the last one was reaching a bit and one of those was a cartoon dwarf. Still, it certainly beats the name I gave _my_ riolu, 'Fluffy'. I nod at Gina and she smiles, scratching out my chicken scratch signature and writing in 'Doc'. "It's official, your name is now Doc until your penmanship improves."

Nurse Joy takes the clipboard and signs her name on the witness lines. "Well, we should probably put him in the rejuvie now."

Nurse Joy picks me up and carries my out of the examination room. Gina and Izzy aren't far behind as Nurse Joy brings me to a room with a couple large machines. Shifting me so that she has a hand free she opens a door on the side of the machine and places me inside. Closing the door again she plunges me into darkness, but that only lasts for a short time before I begin to glow red and white again. The glow grows stronger and stronger, and I can feel a humming in every part of me. It's kinda like a full body massage, even internal, but it feels really good.

The door opens and I hop out onto the ground. Stretching my arms, I roll my neck and it cracks loudly. I feel sort of like I've just had a hot shower. Well, almost. I haven't had the pleasure of hot water in any form since… the morning before I became a pokémon. In fact, I don't think I've had a true bath since Mewtwo's place, and even then it wasn't _hot_ water. Sure, he had warm water which was nice, since it meant I didn't have to risk hypothermia to be clean, but it wasn't the same as having a mirror foggingly hot shower.

Gina picks me up again and sets me on her shoulder. It's not as awesome as nestling between her tits, but it's better than walking. "Alright, Doc, Izzy, it's time to go home."

I'll admit it. I'm kinda excited to see what sort of place I'll be learning how to be a pet pokémon in. To my surprise, Gina takes me to the pokemart. For the first time I can see that there is actually two floors to the pokemart, though the second one is only accessible from the outside, by using a rusty set of metal stairs out back. Gina unlocks the door and kicks it open.

The sight that greets me is not at all what I expected. It's an apartment, and a small one at that. In one corner is a small kitchenette with a folding table set up near it. There is a couch that has seen much better days and a small TV on a particle board stand with an ancient looking VHS/DVD player connected to it. I think the carpet may have been white at one time, but that stopped being the case a long time ago. "Welcome to our humble home, Doc."

I go to hop down, but Gina grabs me and chuckles, "Not yet, you need a bath. We all do." She quickly leans over and scoops up Izzy as she tries to make a break for the door. "Oh no you don't. You are both gonna be scrubbed up good."

I'll be honest, bath time was equal parts awkward and sexy. Awkward because I was sharing the tub with a preschooler who wanted to do naked wrestling with me, and sexy because I got to help Gina bathe. She's actually a bit on the heavy side, but that's okay because there is absolutely nothing wrong with a soft curvy girl. Not in my book anyway, especially not if she has knockers like Gina's. Her breasts were even bigger once she got them out of her bra. I mean, when I sat in her lap it was like having two really soft pillows resting on my head and shoulders. She hugged me at one point while we were in the shower, and felt like a hot dog nestled in a really soft bun because they are just that big. It was awesome, and the best part was she thought it was cute that I was so eager to help her, which means I'll probably be able to help her again. Good times, my friends, good times.

After the shower, Gina dresses Izzy in her pajamas and then throws on some shorts and an oversized T shirt. Then we all head to the kitchenette where she whips out a couple eggs and a frying pan. In moments, the smell of cooking eggs fills the apartment. I climb up onto the table and sit there with my legs hanging off the edge. From what I've seen there is no sign of a third member of the family. No man shoes in the bedroom closet, or any sign of male clothing either. It's kinda odd really, a couple of sisters living on their own in a run-down apartment like this.

There is a clinking noise behind me and I turn to see three small plates with scrambled eggs on them. Izzy takes one, as does Gina and she pushes the other towards me. "Dig in, Doc."

You don't have to tell me twice! I go to pick up a fork, but then realize that I can't use forks or knives or any sort of eating utensils. Most everything I have eaten out in the wild has been either seeds, apples (which are oddly abundant), large bugs (not bug types), or the occasional bird's egg. Oddly enough there are nonpokemon creatures in this world. Just not as many as in my world. I had always believed that the existence of pokémon would have precluded the evolution of ordinary animals in this world, but there are definitely normal animals in this world. Anyway, everything I have eaten has been finger food or things I could eat in a single bite. Scrambled eggs, unlike free range bird eggs, are neither.

I glance over at Izzy and discover that scrambled eggs _can_ be finger food after all. However, I still don't have the fingers to make that a real option. Maybe if I had a cup I could slide them into that and then have a much more controlled eating method. Then my stomach growls and I remember that I haven't eaten hardly anything for the past two days. Screw etiquette and cleanliness. I quickly shovel the eggs into a pile with my paws. Then, once they are all in one place I open wide and push the eggs into my mouth as best as I can. Suddenly I smell and taste something strong, something spicy. I look down at the plate again, looking carefully this time. For the first time I pick out a very slight reddish tint to the eggs and little red pieces of something.

Cheri berries. Ginna put diced cheri berries in the eggs.

I don't like spicy things, my taste bud are such pansies that even a little black pepper makes me want to down a tall glass of iced tea ASAP. Cheri berries are like jalapeño peppers, on steroids, and with a bad case of 'roid rage to boot. My vision gets blurry as tears spring unbidden to my eyes and I swallow the remains of the eggs that are still in my mouth.

I dive across the table and steal Gina's glass of milk and down it. Milk dribbles out of the corners of my mouth and tears run out of the corners of my eyes. When it is empty, I slam the glass back down and take a deep breath, and scream. _The milk! It does nothing!_ Both Gina and Izzy cover their ears as I sprint to the sink and turn on the water. The cold tap water runs over my extended tongue bringing some relief, but even then I can feel the sting of the cheris. I hear a thump next to me and glance over to see a five pound bag of sugar. Gina turns off the water and pulls me out of the sink.

"Open your mouth."

I open my mouth and she pours raw cane sugar into my mouth. Immediately the sting fades, replaced by a sweet taste with only a hint of the initial burn. Gina stops pouring and I shut my mouth, letting the sugar slowly dissolve on my tongue. I relax, slumping forwards onto the counter with a contented sigh.

Gina chuckles, "Looks like Doc has no tolerance for spicy foods."

Izzy giggles as I swallow the sugar slurry in my mouth. Taking a deep breath I wheeze out, [Anything that involves cheri berries cannot be considered merely 'spicy', as it qualifies for the 'grounds for divorce' category of culinary heat. Besides, I've had some really bad experiences with spicy foods.] Blast seeds anyone? And that allure seed thing was a bit spicy smelling. I still have nightmares from that. Also, did I mention that in elementary school I had a bully pin me down and shove my mouth full of jalepenos? Yeah, I have a bad history with spicy foods.

"Don't worry, I'll be sure to leave the hot stuff out of your portions from here on." Gina says with a smile, patting my head.

I smile, [Thank you.]

"Alright, time to get ready for bed." Gina says, scooping me up off the counter.

"But I'm not tired!" Izzy objects, but Gina just ushers her into the bathroom where she sets me on the counter.

"Brush your teeth, then we'll talk about letting you stay up a little longer."

Izzy lets out a little huff, but quickly grabs a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. However instead of brushing her teeth she reaches over and grabs me by the dangly bits (the ones on my head, perverts). [Hey! Those are att-mphh!] I can't finish my objection before she stuffs a toothbrush loaded with cinnamon toothpaste into my mouth and begins to scour my teeth, and gums, and tongue. Fortunately, Gina quickly yanks me out of that situation and I quickly rinse my mouth out. However no sooner have I rinsed my mouth than a new toothbrush loaded with mint flavored toothpaste is shoved into it. Gina is a lot gentler with her scrubbing than Izzy was, but it's still weird having someone brush my teeth for me. After a bit Gina pats me on the head and pulls the toothbrush out of my mouth, "Alright. Head over to the bed room, we'll be there in a sec.

I rinse my mouth out again and jump down off the bathroom counter and hurry into the bedroom where the double bed is waiting for us. I leap into bed with a grin. The fabric is a bit threadbare in spots, but it is waaayy softer than the dirt or grass I have been sleeping on for the past few weeks. Between that and the fact I haven't really slept for the past five days, I'm almost asleep by the time Izzy and Gina climb into bed. As Gina and Izzy practically sandwich me between them an idea strikes me, one that I would have never expected to be able to try.

Squirming out from between them with a yawn I crawl on top of Gina and lay down on her soft belly with my head between her boobs. I smile, then yawn again. Between the soft warmth beneath me, my own exhaustion, and steady rhythm of Gina's heart beating I fall asleep in seconds. This very well could be 'the good life'.


End file.
